A Haiku For Today

Hello non-existent followers!

I would like to submit the following haiku for your amusement.

dog hair floating
the children are screaming
dinner is ready

Thank you.

Dame Iron Fury

Random Wednesday Musings, Volume 2

I feel the swastika has a bad rap.  It’s actually a cool symbol, but no one can use it without being associated with Nazis.  The swastika was a symbol before Nazis borrowed it.  They didn’t make it up, but that’s what the majority of the world sees when they look at it. Sorry, swastika.

Girls have to go through way too much effort to be at a socially acceptable level of appearance.  I’m sure plenty of girls, excuse me-women-enjoy it, but overall it’s just too much.  Speaking of, high heels are pretty but walking in them all day is bad for you.  I know that because of the scientific study I have been working on.  When I wear them, my feet hurt.  There.  End of study.  That is why I stopped wearing them and have opted for combat boots.

Sometimes I wonder why I haven’t gotten a job writing professionally yet especially when a lame-o like Jose Canseco already has two books published.  And then I remember, “oh yeah, I probably need to finish something first.” 

I’m always unimpressed when people are surprised that I can say something intelligent or make an interesting observation.  Should I dumb everything down to meet their expectations?

Being creative everyday is hard.  It might not be so hard if I didn’t have anything else to do or anyone else relying on me. 

I was glancing through our employee handbook and I got upset at certain things.  “Pants, shorts and skirts worn below the waistline are inappropriate.”  Um…how many people these days still have pants at their waist?  I would like to see how funny it would look if everyone in the office pulled their pants up to their waistlines.  They would probably look like our Asian sales manager who never ceases to amaze me with his high riding pants.

Females dread having another female wear the same thing at the same time.  It’s a commonly known social faux pas, but I’m not sure why exactly.  Is it jealously over wanting to be original?  Or maybe it’s the fear that someone will look better in that same outfit? Uniforms for everyone would probably be easiest at social occasions.  Maybe we should start there and see how it works. 

I just had an idea and before I could maximize the screen for this document it was gone.  That’s just cruel and unusual punishment.

One of my favorite words in the English language, facepunch, is not actually a word.  That should be crime because I use it continuously throughout the day.  “Can I get a prescription of facepunch?”  “Can I get a medicinal facepunch IV drip?”  “Don’t make me have to facepunch you!”

Love,
Dame Iron Fury

Late Breaking News

This just in… My computer sucks.

That is all.

Thank you for your attention and your regularly scheduled program will resume after these messages.

Dame Iron Fury

It Seemed Like a Good Idea

I’m a bit tired today, so I’m going go slowly.  I’ve been toying with the idea of sleeping at night, but so far I don’t think I have the right timing on it.  I’ll keep working on it and let you know.  Which got me thinking about things that seemed like a good idea at the time, but didn’t turn out that way; similar to staying up just a little later to try to finish that movie…

How can cute shoes be a bad idea?

1. Wearing these shoes.  Sure, they look cute, but are they good to wear for all day?  Negative.  Since I have to grip them using my toes with every step, it makes walking something I have to actually think about vividly.  Since I’m tired I could be using that extra real estate in my head for something more useful, like working. (Nah.)  Maybe if I walk around more my feet will swell up and I won’t have to work so hard to keep them on.
2. Parking in the shade.  It’s going to be 85 degrees today, so a little warm.  I thought, I should park in the shade and save myself later in the day from an overheated car since my hubby hasn’t gotten it all put back together yet and I don’t have air conditioning.  OK, sure, that sounds like a really good idea, but coming back to the shoe problem…  It took me forever to walk across the parking lot wearing these dogs while thinking about how to hold them on my feet the whole time.  “Grip, grip, grip…”  (They are pretty dogs though.)
   

   This tea tastes, unfortuately, like those cherry cough drops I used to take when I was little.

3. Having a cup of tea.  Whether it’s a calming cup of chamomile or a rousing cup of green, it’s sure nice to start the day with a tea.  Tea is a comforting bit of morning tradition for me, but when you end up bumping into that EX-friend who now gives you the evil eye for some reason that you don’t know, tea time is a little less of a treat.  Which brings us to our next one…
4. Being friends with that girl at work.  Sure she seemed cute and nice and funny in an elfish sort of way; but was all the drama worth it?  And when I say drama, I mean drama with a capital D.  There was a new disaster every day from her roommate’s son finger-painting with her shampoo in the shower, to everyone at work flirting with her, or maybe the store was out of her favorite tea.  “We must call an emergency meeting to discuss how to get through this crisis!”  Now she just seems like a weirdo that clears her throat all the time, has big feet and ignores me like I’m invisible.  I still don’t know what I did to make her not want to be friends anymore; but somehow I’m alright with that now.
5. Rocking too hard. I know!  How can that possibly be a bad thing?  Well, it is when your headphones are turned up too loud for extended periods of time or you have been to one too many rock concerts with horribly distorted speakers.  I think I have damaged my ears because they ring when there is a lack of ambient white noise.  And what’s worse than them ringing, is realizing I’m telling my kids that they will understand when they are older and they should just take my word for it.  I added 15 years to my virtual age by uttering those words.  Oh, my sacroiliac!  I think my gout just flared up!
   

   I kept making this face and it stuck! Listen to your parents!

I’m sure I could go on and on for days…but I better just smile and nod and get back to work.  

Peace out!

Dame Iron Fury

Random Wednesday Musings v. 1

*When other people don’t turn their cell phones to silent in the office, it bothers me.  It especially bothers me when they leave them at their desks and walk away.  But while I sit and listen to it ring, I think: why did that person choose that ringtone?  Was that the default one or did they choose it?  Was that the best one they could find?  Were they too lazy to search for another?  Maybe they actually paid money for it.  Maybe they just changed the ringtone, and they forgot that it was theirs and are also wondering whose cell phone is ringing.  And when the tone is song that plays very loudly, like “Oh, Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine…” or it’s the chipmunks singing Christmas songs, I have to see who it is.  Hello headphones.

*Getting up early and going to work when the rest of my family gets to stay home on vacation is just plain wrong.  There I said it.  I’m not as mature as I claim to be. 

Then I took our M1 adjustment, combined it with our 108b adjustment...

*I don’t know what you have heard, but working on taxes is boring.  Pretending to be interested in them is a lot of work; as is pretending to be interested in what tax people are saying. 

*Crisp rice in granola is a waste of space.  When I buy expensive granola, I don’t want filler. 

*Sometimes I wonder why I work so hard to stay sane.  I mean living in padded rooms, coloring all day, watching TV, and taking drugs are what some people do anyway.  Well, maybe the padded rooms aren’t so much a popular choice.  But, seriously, doesn’t it seem like a simple life?  Maybe I’m missing an important reason of why being crazy is bad.

*My husband said yesterday he met a guy that reminded him of Jack Black, was named

Hello. Just call me Octavius

Octavius, and quoted the movie Sling Blade.  Was anyone else’s interest piqued? 

Anywho, back to the taxes,

Dame Iron Fury

Speak Up, Man!

I'm going to keep smiling and pretend I heard you.

I’m sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when a co-worker pops into my office.  I know that he’s a casual acquaintance (ie: baby friend) and that it will just be a funny conversation (or creepy) so I don’t prep myself to actually portray intelligence.  The only problem is, when he opens his mouth, I see his lips moving but I can’t hear anything coming out of his mouth.  Since the confused look on my face doesn’t seem to tip him off that I didn’t understand, I utter my natural response, “what?”  To which he responds in the same manner.  I don’t want to ask again so I just smile and nod, he returns the smile and leaves.  Sigh.

This causes me to pose a few questions to myself: have I been to one too many rock concerts or was he just talking too softly?  Should I have come right out and said that I couldn’t hear him?  Perhaps he was going to say something creepy again, so maybe I should just thank my lucky stars that I didn’t hear him.     

The moment has passed anyway and whatever he was talking about probably doesn’t matter anymore.  Or what if it does?  Maybe he was telling me that the Grey Aliens have

Take me to your probing!

landed on the front lawn and they are asking everyone to line up for their turn to be probed.  Perhaps he came by to remind me that my husband’s belt and shoes don’t match.  Or maybe, just maybe he came by to tell me that my cube wall is crooked, yet again. 

In my logical Spock-like manner, I have decided that if it was actually important, he would have spoken more loudly. 

Logic dictates that you're a creeper.

Therefore, logic dictates that he was saying something stupid that doesn’t matter (I need to speak frankly since Spock is incapable of lying.)  If there are Grey Aliens outside or even green, pink, or vermillion, they will just need to wait until I’m done posting this blog. 

Live long and prosper,

Dame Iron Fury

Warning: Details to Follow

Details are very important but there are times when details make us shutter.  These are the times when details attack, just like the animals in those shows.  You’re innocently walking along and out of nowhere you are mauled by a bear, or perhaps a woman you causally know from work explaining how and why she

Tampax or Playtex Pearl?

switched tampon brands.  Each situation is equally grizzly and horrific.

In casual practice, details are not horrible, but when they are misused it is cause for panic and screaming.  They are little pieces that make up the whole, like an atom is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and probably some other stuff we haven’t discovered yet.  Details are the building blocks of anything.  They are crucial, I mean, how else am I going to find out how you ended up putting on your tights while driving to work?

Ralph's all about the details

I’m a tad bit detail oriented, which is a good and bad thing.  Saying I’m “detail oriented” sounds almost clinical, like I’m applying for a job: “Applicants must be detail oriented, range between 5’9” and 5’10”, covered in purple spots and be named Ralph Wiggum.”  In truth, being a slave to the facts such as I am, can cause problems when talking to regular folk.

Are you still able to breastfeed?

It used to be, when someone asked me how I was, I literally opened the flood gates and told them about how I’m a little down because I had run out of tea due to lack of funds because I spent too much on my credit card when my kids were little because I stayed home with them when they were little because I wanted to breastfeed them.  This type of conversation is usually followed by a blank stare and me feeling uncomfortable for a few  moments before the other  person finds a convenient way to excuse themselves.  Naturally, over time I began to give out less and less information, until I have finally arrived at “fine” as a stock response.

There is such a fine line between too much information and just the right amount.  Knowing when to stop talking is like an artist that knows when to stop painting “one more stroke will be too much.”  Maybe, I just haven’t spoken to enough people and it’s a trial by error type of scenario.  Lucky for everyone out there, you are all my guinea pigs and eventually I will get just the right amount of information when I speak to any of you.  Thank you for participating in my study; there is a box of stickers by the door and you can take one as you leave. You’ve got your choice of Spongebob Squarepants or a kitten.

I should have known! You use Always with wings!

Love,

Dame Iron Fury

Multi-Tasking: More is Less

Multi-Tasking; an important term in the world today.  Is more really better?  I can do more than one thing at a time, but I didn’t say I could do them well. 

Back in my day, I could walk to school in the snow while milking 3 cows and grinding wheat into flour with my teeth, sonny.

After preparing a document for signature at work, I went to the office of the Controller to drop off the folder for approval.  I’m always amazed at how clean his office is.  He may have one piece of paper on his desk while I have 40 million strewn about.  The man is quite intelligent and successful in his job, so I’m guessing he has a good work ethic; he did become Controller after all.  When he returned the signed document, he commented on how I had placed the folder in a straightforward location: his chair.  I replied that his office was so clean, that it would be probably be easy to find anywhere. He, in his casual British style, stated that it actually could use a bit of tidying up at the moment.  I asked how can he keep his office so orderly all the time and he said that it was a skill he picked up a long time ago.  All of his papers and tasks he keeps organized in his desk drawers; only pulling out what he needs when he needs it. 

“Contrary to popular belief, we can only effectively do one thing at a time.  I only take out one item at a time to work on.”

This made me think about the whole concept of multi-tasking and how it’s been deified into something we all need to do in order to survive the modern world.  We want gadgets that have more than one function, so we only have to purchase one.  Companies want employees that can do multiple tasks at one time so they don’t have to hire as many people to get the same amount of work done.  Parents can’t afford the cost of living on a single income, so they have to do their best to focus on a career and the raising of their kids.

This is actually me when caught by a high speed camera.

 As an example, in contemporary family life, we are almost required by law to multi-task.  After working a full day at the office, we pick up the kids on the way home while transferring funds on our mobile phones for our monthly bills.  Then when we get home, we start dinner, while running a load of dishes in the dishwasher, and washing some pants for the kids to wear tomorrow as we help the kids with their homework.  I can then finish dinner, run the kids to some sort of practice or meeting, before bringing them home, getting them in the shower as I remake a bed.  It isn’t until after the kids are in bed and asleep that I realize that I haven’t actually spoken to them all day.  Did all that make my evening better?  It sure doesn’t feel like it.  I’m tired just writing it.

Now there are good things about multi-tasking.  Bras that lift and separate?  Yes, please!    A toaster that can toast, broil, fight crime and has a convection

Will this toaster actually shoot fire or just make toast?

feature?  Wow!  A pocket knife that has a blade, hacksaw, a flame thrower, an extra set of hands, pair of tweezers, and babysitter?  Where do they sell these, because I need one.  A man who is good with kids, a nice person, and your best friend?  (I just threw that one in there.  Hope I don’t make anyone barf.)  If all choices to multi-task could end up this way, I would be all for them! 

If we could equally get quality every time we have to choose quantity, the decision to multi-task could be an easy one.  I’m not so sure we aren’t giving ourselves the short end of the stick on this choice.

Love,

Dame Iron Fury

How To Bomb an Interview

The Dreaded Panel Interview

 There you are, minding your own business, doing your work when you are told you are going to have to interview for a new job.  (WTF??)  Okay, back up just a little.  The boss says you’re doing a great job, but due to a “business need” they need to “reorganize” to eliminate “a hardship in the department” causing you to use an endless string of “air quotes.”  Does this sort of thing actually happen?  Yes.  Am I going to explain more details about it?  No, just go with the flow.  Sure, my ex-manager (now co-worker) is a perv and adjusts himself constantly throughout the day, but I worked damn hard for this job and I don’t want to go back to ordering sandwiches.

So, back to the point of the story: how do you bomb an interview for a job you don’t want and didn’t apply for in the first place?  Good question.  It’s going to be tricky, because I was told I can’t be obvious about it.  (I was told directly that I can’t bomb intentionally.  Nice, thanks.)

We Will Find a Way to Blow this Interview!

I embarked on my journey to failure on a Monday morning in springtime.  I began my search on the internet, like any good crusader, looking up “top 10 interview blunders” and other such helpful hints. These tips were a good start, but unfortunately, I can’t go all out because they will know that I failed on purpose.  I can’t dress completely inappropriately or be completely oblivious to the focus of this position because I already work here and they would most likely have noticed me dressing in a penguin suit before.  Could I ask them to fetch me tea or a sandwich?  Could I just nod my head for all the answers and pretend I’ve suddenly been struck mute?  Could I try to give my answers through interpretive dance?  Damn it, probably not.

Here are my top 10 ways to eliminate the chance of a follow-up interview: 

1. Sexual Harassment: NO!  Don’t actually harass anyone in the room.  Playing footsie under the table would be obvious.  Instead, during your chance to ask questions, casually, ask how often sexual harassment occurs in this department.
2. Tattoos: A well placed swastika tattoo can do wonders.  Half of a tattoo peeking out of your sleeve will stun and confuse the interviewers.
3. Religion: Suggest a prayer at the closing of the interview.
4. Family Time: See if you can bring your children to work with you everyday.  Daycare is expensive these days.
5. Sexual Orientation: Would changing teams make me a minority and give me more benefits? 
6. Pets: Animals are people too.  Double check that they wouldn’t have a problem with you taking extended time off to care for your aging dog.
7. Don’t Wear Deodorant:  Nobody likes a smelly person
8. Develop Nervous Ticks:  They make people uncomfortable.
9. “HARUMPH!”: I well placed “HARUMPH” will draw just enough attention to get you noticed.  And not in the good way.
10. Interrupt the Interviewer: You can either tell them you had one too many bean burritos for lunch or that you can’t answer that question without a lawyer or trained circus midget present.
    

    You Can Talk to My Agent

Any other suggestions would be helpful, as the day of my interview is fast approaching.

Love,

Dame Iron Fury

Hello world!

The VMA’s are drawing to a close, and we finally have our site up. It only took us all FREAKING weekend to come up with our name. No thanks to Jensen’s hotness for distracting us. (DAMN you, Jensen! Oh, and you too, Ugly.) It’s been a fun weekend, considering we both now sound like smokers with hangovers. (No drinking or smoking happened this weekend.)

Our blog is just a newborn, and is going to get all of our attention for quite a while. Stick with us, we promise to grow out of the “face only a mother could love” stage into the “face everyone lusts after” stage.

Newborn Blog

We would like to thank our boys, only a little bit, for cooperating with our need for writing time. Thanks, Drake, for suggesting this, and , Tex, for shopping for our groceries and buying us evil Sweet Life pastries. We would also like to thank our dearest Ladybug, who could not be with us all weekend, but whose spirit will live on and on in our hearts. (She’s not really dead, just not here.)

We will accept these VMA awards with humility and promise to use our powers only for good, well, maybe just a little evil now and again.

Love,

Sister Screeching Viper and Dame Iron Fury