Posts Tagged 'Creepers'

Speak Up, Man!

I'm going to keep smiling and pretend I heard you.

I’m sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when a co-worker pops into my office.  I know that he’s a casual acquaintance (ie: baby friend) and that it will just be a funny conversation (or creepy) so I don’t prep myself to actually portray intelligence.  The only problem is, when he opens his mouth, I see his lips moving but I can’t hear anything coming out of his mouth.  Since the confused look on my face doesn’t seem to tip him off that I didn’t understand, I utter my natural response, “what?”  To which he responds in the same manner.  I don’t want to ask again so I just smile and nod, he returns the smile and leaves.  Sigh.

This causes me to pose a few questions to myself: have I been to one too many rock concerts or was he just talking too softly?  Should I have come right out and said that I couldn’t hear him?  Perhaps he was going to say something creepy again, so maybe I should just thank my lucky stars that I didn’t hear him.     

The moment has passed anyway and whatever he was talking about probably doesn’t matter anymore.  Or what if it does?  Maybe he was telling me that the Grey Aliens have

Take me to your probing!

landed on the front lawn and they are asking everyone to line up for their turn to be probed.  Perhaps he came by to remind me that my husband’s belt and shoes don’t match.  Or maybe, just maybe he came by to tell me that my cube wall is crooked, yet again. 

In my logical Spock-like manner, I have decided that if it was actually important, he would have spoken more loudly. 

Logic dictates that you're a creeper.

Therefore, logic dictates that he was saying something stupid that doesn’t matter (I need to speak frankly since Spock is incapable of lying.)  If there are Grey Aliens outside or even green, pink, or vermillion, they will just need to wait until I’m done posting this blog. 

Live long and prosper,

Dame Iron Fury

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How To Bomb an Interview

The Dreaded Panel Interview

 There you are, minding your own business, doing your work when you are told you are going to have to interview for a new job.  (WTF??)  Okay, back up just a little.  The boss says you’re doing a great job, but due to a “business need” they need to “reorganize” to eliminate “a hardship in the department” causing you to use an endless string of “air quotes.”  Does this sort of thing actually happen?  Yes.  Am I going to explain more details about it?  No, just go with the flow.  Sure, my ex-manager (now co-worker) is a perv and adjusts himself constantly throughout the day, but I worked damn hard for this job and I don’t want to go back to ordering sandwiches.

So, back to the point of the story: how do you bomb an interview for a job you don’t want and didn’t apply for in the first place?  Good question.  It’s going to be tricky, because I was told I can’t be obvious about it.  (I was told directly that I can’t bomb intentionally.  Nice, thanks.)

We Will Find a Way to Blow this Interview!

I embarked on my journey to failure on a Monday morning in springtime.  I began my search on the internet, like any good crusader, looking up “top 10 interview blunders” and other such helpful hints. These tips were a good start, but unfortunately, I can’t go all out because they will know that I failed on purpose.  I can’t dress completely inappropriately or be completely oblivious to the focus of this position because I already work here and they would most likely have noticed me dressing in a penguin suit before.  Could I ask them to fetch me tea or a sandwich?  Could I just nod my head for all the answers and pretend I’ve suddenly been struck mute?  Could I try to give my answers through interpretive dance?  Damn it, probably not.

Here are my top 10 ways to eliminate the chance of a follow-up interview: 

  1. Sexual Harassment: NO!  Don’t actually harass anyone in the room.  Playing footsie under the table would be obvious.  Instead, during your chance to ask questions, casually, ask how often sexual harassment occurs in this department.
  2. Tattoos: A well placed swastika tattoo can do wonders.  Half of a tattoo peeking out of your sleeve will stun and confuse the interviewers.
  3. Religion: Suggest a prayer at the closing of the interview.
  4. Family Time: See if you can bring your children to work with you everyday.  Daycare is expensive these days.
  5. Sexual Orientation: Would changing teams make me a minority and give me more benefits? 
  6. Pets: Animals are people too.  Double check that they wouldn’t have a problem with you taking extended time off to care for your aging dog.
  7. Don’t Wear Deodorant:  Nobody likes a smelly person
  8. Develop Nervous Ticks:  They make people uncomfortable.
  9. “HARUMPH!”: I well placed “HARUMPH” will draw just enough attention to get you noticed.  And not in the good way.
  10. Interrupt the Interviewer: You can either tell them you had one too many bean burritos for lunch or that you can’t answer that question without a lawyer or trained circus midget present.

    You Can Talk to My Agent

Any other suggestions would be helpful, as the day of my interview is fast approaching.

Love,

Dame Iron Fury