Archive for the 'Important Topics' Category

Warning: Details to Follow

Details are very important but there are times when details make us shutter.  These are the times when details attack, just like the animals in those shows.  You’re innocently walking along and out of nowhere you are mauled by a bear, or perhaps a woman you causally know from work explaining how and why she

Tampax or Playtex Pearl?

switched tampon brands.  Each situation is equally grizzly and horrific.

In casual practice, details are not horrible, but when they are misused it is cause for panic and screaming.  They are little pieces that make up the whole, like an atom is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and probably some other stuff we haven’t discovered yet.  Details are the building blocks of anything.  They are crucial, I mean, how else am I going to find out how you ended up putting on your tights while driving to work?

Ralph's all about the details

I’m a tad bit detail oriented, which is a good and bad thing.  Saying I’m “detail oriented” sounds almost clinical, like I’m applying for a job: “Applicants must be detail oriented, range between 5’9” and 5’10”, covered in purple spots and be named Ralph Wiggum.”  In truth, being a slave to the facts such as I am, can cause problems when talking to regular folk.

Are you still able to breastfeed?

It used to be, when someone asked me how I was, I literally opened the flood gates and told them about how I’m a little down because I had run out of tea due to lack of funds because I spent too much on my credit card when my kids were little because I stayed home with them when they were little because I wanted to breastfeed them.  This type of conversation is usually followed by a blank stare and me feeling uncomfortable for a few  moments before the other  person finds a convenient way to excuse themselves.  Naturally, over time I began to give out less and less information, until I have finally arrived at “fine” as a stock response.

There is such a fine line between too much information and just the right amount.  Knowing when to stop talking is like an artist that knows when to stop painting “one more stroke will be too much.”  Maybe, I just haven’t spoken to enough people and it’s a trial by error type of scenario.  Lucky for everyone out there, you are all my guinea pigs and eventually I will get just the right amount of information when I speak to any of you.  Thank you for participating in my study; there is a box of stickers by the door and you can take one as you leave. You’ve got your choice of Spongebob Squarepants or a kitten.

I should have known! You use Always with wings!

Love,

Dame Iron Fury

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Multi-Tasking: More is Less

Multi-Tasking; an important term in the world today.  Is more really better?  I can do more than one thing at a time, but I didn’t say I could do them well. 

Back in my day, I could walk to school in the snow while milking 3 cows and grinding wheat into flour with my teeth, sonny.

After preparing a document for signature at work, I went to the office of the Controller to drop off the folder for approval.  I’m always amazed at how clean his office is.  He may have one piece of paper on his desk while I have 40 million strewn about.  The man is quite intelligent and successful in his job, so I’m guessing he has a good work ethic; he did become Controller after all.  When he returned the signed document, he commented on how I had placed the folder in a straightforward location: his chair.  I replied that his office was so clean, that it would be probably be easy to find anywhere. He, in his casual British style, stated that it actually could use a bit of tidying up at the moment.  I asked how can he keep his office so orderly all the time and he said that it was a skill he picked up a long time ago.  All of his papers and tasks he keeps organized in his desk drawers; only pulling out what he needs when he needs it. 

“Contrary to popular belief, we can only effectively do one thing at a time.  I only take out one item at a time to work on.”

This made me think about the whole concept of multi-tasking and how it’s been deified into something we all need to do in order to survive the modern world.  We want gadgets that have more than one function, so we only have to purchase one.  Companies want employees that can do multiple tasks at one time so they don’t have to hire as many people to get the same amount of work done.  Parents can’t afford the cost of living on a single income, so they have to do their best to focus on a career and the raising of their kids.

This is actually me when caught by a high speed camera.

 As an example, in contemporary family life, we are almost required by law to multi-task.  After working a full day at the office, we pick up the kids on the way home while transferring funds on our mobile phones for our monthly bills.  Then when we get home, we start dinner, while running a load of dishes in the dishwasher, and washing some pants for the kids to wear tomorrow as we help the kids with their homework.  I can then finish dinner, run the kids to some sort of practice or meeting, before bringing them home, getting them in the shower as I remake a bed.  It isn’t until after the kids are in bed and asleep that I realize that I haven’t actually spoken to them all day.  Did all that make my evening better?  It sure doesn’t feel like it.  I’m tired just writing it.

Now there are good things about multi-tasking.  Bras that lift and separate?  Yes, please!    A toaster that can toast, broil, fight crime and has a convection

Will this toaster actually shoot fire or just make toast?

feature?  Wow!  A pocket knife that has a blade, hacksaw, a flame thrower, an extra set of hands, pair of tweezers, and babysitter?  Where do they sell these, because I need one.  A man who is good with kids, a nice person, and your best friend?  (I just threw that one in there.  Hope I don’t make anyone barf.)  If all choices to multi-task could end up this way, I would be all for them! 

If we could equally get quality every time we have to choose quantity, the decision to multi-task could be an easy one.  I’m not so sure we aren’t giving ourselves the short end of the stick on this choice.

Love,

Dame Iron Fury

How To Bomb an Interview

The Dreaded Panel Interview

 There you are, minding your own business, doing your work when you are told you are going to have to interview for a new job.  (WTF??)  Okay, back up just a little.  The boss says you’re doing a great job, but due to a “business need” they need to “reorganize” to eliminate “a hardship in the department” causing you to use an endless string of “air quotes.”  Does this sort of thing actually happen?  Yes.  Am I going to explain more details about it?  No, just go with the flow.  Sure, my ex-manager (now co-worker) is a perv and adjusts himself constantly throughout the day, but I worked damn hard for this job and I don’t want to go back to ordering sandwiches.

So, back to the point of the story: how do you bomb an interview for a job you don’t want and didn’t apply for in the first place?  Good question.  It’s going to be tricky, because I was told I can’t be obvious about it.  (I was told directly that I can’t bomb intentionally.  Nice, thanks.)

We Will Find a Way to Blow this Interview!

I embarked on my journey to failure on a Monday morning in springtime.  I began my search on the internet, like any good crusader, looking up “top 10 interview blunders” and other such helpful hints. These tips were a good start, but unfortunately, I can’t go all out because they will know that I failed on purpose.  I can’t dress completely inappropriately or be completely oblivious to the focus of this position because I already work here and they would most likely have noticed me dressing in a penguin suit before.  Could I ask them to fetch me tea or a sandwich?  Could I just nod my head for all the answers and pretend I’ve suddenly been struck mute?  Could I try to give my answers through interpretive dance?  Damn it, probably not.

Here are my top 10 ways to eliminate the chance of a follow-up interview: 

  1. Sexual Harassment: NO!  Don’t actually harass anyone in the room.  Playing footsie under the table would be obvious.  Instead, during your chance to ask questions, casually, ask how often sexual harassment occurs in this department.
  2. Tattoos: A well placed swastika tattoo can do wonders.  Half of a tattoo peeking out of your sleeve will stun and confuse the interviewers.
  3. Religion: Suggest a prayer at the closing of the interview.
  4. Family Time: See if you can bring your children to work with you everyday.  Daycare is expensive these days.
  5. Sexual Orientation: Would changing teams make me a minority and give me more benefits? 
  6. Pets: Animals are people too.  Double check that they wouldn’t have a problem with you taking extended time off to care for your aging dog.
  7. Don’t Wear Deodorant:  Nobody likes a smelly person
  8. Develop Nervous Ticks:  They make people uncomfortable.
  9. “HARUMPH!”: I well placed “HARUMPH” will draw just enough attention to get you noticed.  And not in the good way.
  10. Interrupt the Interviewer: You can either tell them you had one too many bean burritos for lunch or that you can’t answer that question without a lawyer or trained circus midget present.

    You Can Talk to My Agent

Any other suggestions would be helpful, as the day of my interview is fast approaching.

Love,

Dame Iron Fury