How To Bomb an Interview

The Dreaded Panel Interview

 There you are, minding your own business, doing your work when you are told you are going to have to interview for a new job.  (WTF??)  Okay, back up just a little.  The boss says you’re doing a great job, but due to a “business need” they need to “reorganize” to eliminate “a hardship in the department” causing you to use an endless string of “air quotes.”  Does this sort of thing actually happen?  Yes.  Am I going to explain more details about it?  No, just go with the flow.  Sure, my ex-manager (now co-worker) is a perv and adjusts himself constantly throughout the day, but I worked damn hard for this job and I don’t want to go back to ordering sandwiches.

So, back to the point of the story: how do you bomb an interview for a job you don’t want and didn’t apply for in the first place?  Good question.  It’s going to be tricky, because I was told I can’t be obvious about it.  (I was told directly that I can’t bomb intentionally.  Nice, thanks.)

We Will Find a Way to Blow this Interview!

I embarked on my journey to failure on a Monday morning in springtime.  I began my search on the internet, like any good crusader, looking up “top 10 interview blunders” and other such helpful hints. These tips were a good start, but unfortunately, I can’t go all out because they will know that I failed on purpose.  I can’t dress completely inappropriately or be completely oblivious to the focus of this position because I already work here and they would most likely have noticed me dressing in a penguin suit before.  Could I ask them to fetch me tea or a sandwich?  Could I just nod my head for all the answers and pretend I’ve suddenly been struck mute?  Could I try to give my answers through interpretive dance?  Damn it, probably not.

Here are my top 10 ways to eliminate the chance of a follow-up interview: 

  1. Sexual Harassment: NO!  Don’t actually harass anyone in the room.  Playing footsie under the table would be obvious.  Instead, during your chance to ask questions, casually, ask how often sexual harassment occurs in this department.
  2. Tattoos: A well placed swastika tattoo can do wonders.  Half of a tattoo peeking out of your sleeve will stun and confuse the interviewers.
  3. Religion: Suggest a prayer at the closing of the interview.
  4. Family Time: See if you can bring your children to work with you everyday.  Daycare is expensive these days.
  5. Sexual Orientation: Would changing teams make me a minority and give me more benefits? 
  6. Pets: Animals are people too.  Double check that they wouldn’t have a problem with you taking extended time off to care for your aging dog.
  7. Don’t Wear Deodorant:  Nobody likes a smelly person
  8. Develop Nervous Ticks:  They make people uncomfortable.
  9. “HARUMPH!”: I well placed “HARUMPH” will draw just enough attention to get you noticed.  And not in the good way.
  10. Interrupt the Interviewer: You can either tell them you had one too many bean burritos for lunch or that you can’t answer that question without a lawyer or trained circus midget present.

    You Can Talk to My Agent

Any other suggestions would be helpful, as the day of my interview is fast approaching.

Love,

Dame Iron Fury

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2 Responses to “How To Bomb an Interview”


  1. 1 HR Guy May 3, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    How about asking the interviewers for a little company background once the interview is complete. They might get a kick out of that since you are already an employee.

  2. 2 Tex May 4, 2010 at 4:07 pm

    Watch the movie “Step Brothers”. I am sure you can get some great ideas from Will Ferrell and John C. Riley.


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