Posts Tagged 'Details'

Warning: Details to Follow

Details are very important but there are times when details make us shutter.  These are the times when details attack, just like the animals in those shows.  You’re innocently walking along and out of nowhere you are mauled by a bear, or perhaps a woman you causally know from work explaining how and why she

Tampax or Playtex Pearl?

switched tampon brands.  Each situation is equally grizzly and horrific.

In casual practice, details are not horrible, but when they are misused it is cause for panic and screaming.  They are little pieces that make up the whole, like an atom is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and probably some other stuff we haven’t discovered yet.  Details are the building blocks of anything.  They are crucial, I mean, how else am I going to find out how you ended up putting on your tights while driving to work?

Ralph's all about the details

I’m a tad bit detail oriented, which is a good and bad thing.  Saying I’m “detail oriented” sounds almost clinical, like I’m applying for a job: “Applicants must be detail oriented, range between 5’9” and 5’10”, covered in purple spots and be named Ralph Wiggum.”  In truth, being a slave to the facts such as I am, can cause problems when talking to regular folk.

Are you still able to breastfeed?

It used to be, when someone asked me how I was, I literally opened the flood gates and told them about how I’m a little down because I had run out of tea due to lack of funds because I spent too much on my credit card when my kids were little because I stayed home with them when they were little because I wanted to breastfeed them.  This type of conversation is usually followed by a blank stare and me feeling uncomfortable for a few  moments before the other  person finds a convenient way to excuse themselves.  Naturally, over time I began to give out less and less information, until I have finally arrived at “fine” as a stock response.

There is such a fine line between too much information and just the right amount.  Knowing when to stop talking is like an artist that knows when to stop painting “one more stroke will be too much.”  Maybe, I just haven’t spoken to enough people and it’s a trial by error type of scenario.  Lucky for everyone out there, you are all my guinea pigs and eventually I will get just the right amount of information when I speak to any of you.  Thank you for participating in my study; there is a box of stickers by the door and you can take one as you leave. You’ve got your choice of Spongebob Squarepants or a kitten.

I should have known! You use Always with wings!

Love,

Dame Iron Fury

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How To Bomb an Interview

The Dreaded Panel Interview

 There you are, minding your own business, doing your work when you are told you are going to have to interview for a new job.  (WTF??)  Okay, back up just a little.  The boss says you’re doing a great job, but due to a “business need” they need to “reorganize” to eliminate “a hardship in the department” causing you to use an endless string of “air quotes.”  Does this sort of thing actually happen?  Yes.  Am I going to explain more details about it?  No, just go with the flow.  Sure, my ex-manager (now co-worker) is a perv and adjusts himself constantly throughout the day, but I worked damn hard for this job and I don’t want to go back to ordering sandwiches.

So, back to the point of the story: how do you bomb an interview for a job you don’t want and didn’t apply for in the first place?  Good question.  It’s going to be tricky, because I was told I can’t be obvious about it.  (I was told directly that I can’t bomb intentionally.  Nice, thanks.)

We Will Find a Way to Blow this Interview!

I embarked on my journey to failure on a Monday morning in springtime.  I began my search on the internet, like any good crusader, looking up “top 10 interview blunders” and other such helpful hints. These tips were a good start, but unfortunately, I can’t go all out because they will know that I failed on purpose.  I can’t dress completely inappropriately or be completely oblivious to the focus of this position because I already work here and they would most likely have noticed me dressing in a penguin suit before.  Could I ask them to fetch me tea or a sandwich?  Could I just nod my head for all the answers and pretend I’ve suddenly been struck mute?  Could I try to give my answers through interpretive dance?  Damn it, probably not.

Here are my top 10 ways to eliminate the chance of a follow-up interview: 

  1. Sexual Harassment: NO!  Don’t actually harass anyone in the room.  Playing footsie under the table would be obvious.  Instead, during your chance to ask questions, casually, ask how often sexual harassment occurs in this department.
  2. Tattoos: A well placed swastika tattoo can do wonders.  Half of a tattoo peeking out of your sleeve will stun and confuse the interviewers.
  3. Religion: Suggest a prayer at the closing of the interview.
  4. Family Time: See if you can bring your children to work with you everyday.  Daycare is expensive these days.
  5. Sexual Orientation: Would changing teams make me a minority and give me more benefits? 
  6. Pets: Animals are people too.  Double check that they wouldn’t have a problem with you taking extended time off to care for your aging dog.
  7. Don’t Wear Deodorant:  Nobody likes a smelly person
  8. Develop Nervous Ticks:  They make people uncomfortable.
  9. “HARUMPH!”: I well placed “HARUMPH” will draw just enough attention to get you noticed.  And not in the good way.
  10. Interrupt the Interviewer: You can either tell them you had one too many bean burritos for lunch or that you can’t answer that question without a lawyer or trained circus midget present.

    You Can Talk to My Agent

Any other suggestions would be helpful, as the day of my interview is fast approaching.

Love,

Dame Iron Fury